You're the One That I Want Read online

  ‘Wow. I meant that much to you that within twenty-four hours you were sticking your cock into someone else.’

  ‘Maddy!’ I was shocked by the vulgarity of her tone, the explicitness of her language and the anger raging within her – wasn’t I meant to be the angry one in that situation? Wasn’t it me who had been royally screwed over by her?

  ‘What happened? Once you got all those feelings out, you decided you didn’t care as much as you thought you had? Or was I that much of a disappointment when you finally got me naked?’ Her eyes bored into me, demanding a response. ‘Well?’

  I had nothing to give – no reason and no excuse.

  ‘You’ve made a fool of me, Ben.’

  ‘I haven’t,’ I protested, shaking my head at her words.

  ‘You’ve made me feel like a complete mug. There I was thinking about you, about us, thinking about how we might be able to make this work, while all the time you were in bed with –’

  ‘No, there you were, reconciling with Robert, Maddy. Don’t try and play the martyr here, because you’re really not,’ I spat, taking the bait and allowing myself to be riled. ‘So let’s talk about that, shall we? Let’s talk about how hours after you left me in my bed you were patching things up with Robert.’

  She brought her hands up to her face in horror, her bullish façade slipping as tears sprang to her eyes. She shook her head profusely.

  ‘I was trying to think things through,’ she said helplessly.

  ‘By getting back with Robert?’ I scoffed.

  ‘I didn’t know what to do.’

  ‘Seems like you made up your mind pretty quickly to me. It didn’t take you long to forgive him.’

  ‘I didn’t …’

  I sat silently as she tried to piece together her words. I couldn’t look her in the eye. Instead, I focused on her hands in her lap, her fingers wriggling in discomfort, wringing the loose material on her skirt. She looked lost. All I wanted to do was embrace her and take that feeling away. In all our years of friendship I’d never been the cause of Maddy’s tears, I’d always been the one to mop them up and make her feel better. It was agonizing to sit and watch her struggle.

  ‘It’s not that simple …’ is all she managed before trailing off.

  ‘From where I’m sat, it really is,’ I said calmly.

  ‘But I love you …’ she mumbled as a tear escaped and fell onto her lap.

  Her words gave me little pleasure.

  ‘Did you tell him?’

  ‘Of course not. I wouldn’t …’ she said, shaking her head, a sob rising from her mouth.

  I took hold of her hand then, I couldn’t resist it, my thumb rubbed the back of it.

  In return she squeezed my hand.

  Three times.

  The gesture shocked me. Rebuked me into pulling my hands away.

  ‘Maddy,’ I sighed, my patience wavering slightly. ‘I don’t know what you want from me. You know how I feel. I opened up to you, finally told you everything I’ve ever wanted to say, but you’re back with Robert. You clearly don’t feel that love back.’

  ‘But I do!’

  ‘You have a boyfriend.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘That’s a pretty big “and” right there.’

  ‘Are you going to see her again?’

  ‘Who? Alice? I dunno, I hadn’t thought about it. I might. Why not?’ I shrugged, confused as to why she was bringing up Alice – it seemed insignificant in the circumstances.

  Defiantly, I wondered why there should even be a problem if I were to see Alice again. Maddy was back with Robert, leaving me on my own, once again. It seemed unfair that I’d be doomed to watching the two of them all loved up as though nothing had happened. Surely, I told myself, it was time for me to have someone of my own – someone to stop me from focusing on what I couldn’t have.

  ‘Right …’

  ‘It makes no sense to just hang around, you know?’

  ‘Yeah …’

  ‘Now I know where I stand with you, that is,’ I said. I loitered on that sentence for a while, offering a spot for her to interject and protest, but she didn’t. I ploughed on. ‘To be honest, Maddy, for the sake of our friendship and for Robert, I kind of think we should just forget it ever happened. It was only one night after all. We can put it all down to the drink and heightened emotions.’

  The expression on her face as she looked up at me was one I’d never forget – one of shock, sorrow and disbelief. As though my words had literally slapped her across the face and simultaneously ripped out her heart.

  ‘If that’s what you want …’ she muttered, looking back down at her hands.

  I shrugged in reply, hating myself as I did it, not fully understanding why I was pushing her away so viciously. It wasn’t what I wanted at all.

  ‘Oh …’ she looked as though she was going to say more, but decided against it.

  My heart ached as she got up and walked away from me.

  If only falling out of love was as easy as falling in it.

  If only being with the girl I loved was as easy as all the songs on the radio insisted.

  A day later the emails began. All the things that weren’t said, that maybe we couldn’t say face to face, written in safety from behind a computer screen. Saving us from having to speak the words out loud that we wouldn’t have had the courage to utter in person, although perhaps leading us to boldly say things that we otherwise wouldn’t have – the keyboard allowing us too much honesty, giving us too much bravado, making us forget ourselves.

  Maddy sent the first one:

  Look, I know you probably don’t want to talk, you made your feelings quite clear yesterday when you told me to just forget the whole thing, but I have to get some things off my chest. I want to talk about this, even if you apparently don’t. You might feel like acting as though it never happened, but I can’t just do that. Not straight away. I feel like I need to explain a few things first. I need you to understand me.

  I want you to know how much the other night meant to me. Never in a millions years did I think you’d tell me you loved me, that I’d hear I’d been so blind to what was going on in your head for so long. I thought I knew everything there was to know about you, but that was a pretty big secret you’d been keeping. One second you were my trusted friend and then the next – BAM – something more. You were offering me possibilities I never knew existed, a love that was more wholesome and honest than I’d ever thought possible – it felt enchanting. It felt right.

  Because of the feelings you stirred in me, I was shocked when I found out about you and Alice. I felt like it lessened the importance of our night together and it made me feel a bit cheap and just another ‘almost’ notch on your bedpost. Am I? I hope not. I just can’t get my head around how you can say you feel one way but then sleep with someone else straight away after. As they say, actions speak louder than words. Perhaps it’s a guy thing, but it’s not like you to do something so shitty.

  I know you said about me jumping back into bed with Robert, but deep down you must have realized that wasn’t the case. I couldn’t have done that. We didn’t. We haven’t. And the reason for that was because I’ve not been able to get you and me out of my head.

  Ben, you know I love Robert. I’ve been with him for five years, and have known him for as long as I’ve known you. He completely fell apart in front of me, something I wasn’t expecting (you know he’s usually so strong) and that threw me. I was prepared to hate him for what he’d done but when he was stood in front of me like that I faltered. I couldn’t hurt him further when I could see how much agony he was in. Even when he left I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. It wasn’t as simple as I forgave him, forgot about you and we moved on to a happy-ever-after existence. I was coming to find you the other day to talk it all through with you, to try and make things clearer in my head. For me, there was still a big chance of you and me being together, or at least of talking and seeing what the possibilities were. I’d thought about
it, a lot. But then I bumped into Roger. I felt crushed.

  After seeing you yesterday, and hearing what you had to say, I called Robert and told him I was ready to put what he’d done behind us and move on. I was surprised that I’d done it when I put the phone down, but, if I’m honest, I only did it because I was angry with you. I still don’t know what I want. It’s all so raw still.

  You’re saying you want to move forward as though nothing has happened between us. After years of hiding your feelings you’re certainly being very quick to brush them aside, as though they weren’t as important to you as you proclaimed. Why are you giving up so easily, Ben?

  I really don’t know what to say to make all this better. You’re my best friend and a huge part of my life. Can we meet up and talk? Go for a drink, or a walk, or something? Anything?

  Deflated. That would be my one word right now.

  I love you, Ben. Always have, always will.

  Maddy xoxo

  I was in my bedroom working when the email pinged through. Reading it caused me to drop everything I was doing, to get up, walk outside and go for a mammoth bike ride. I was out for hours, trying to process my different thoughts and emotions – each of them conflicting with the next.

  I waited a few days before I replied. Not because I was trying to hurt her or punish her in any way, I simply didn’t know what to respond with. Parts of her email angered me, while others made me sad.

  None of it made me happy.

  I sat in bed with my laptop on my knees trying to piece together some sort of response. All I wanted to tell her was that I loved her unconditionally, and that I would always be there waiting for her, but there was no point. She’d made her decision. Me harping on wasn’t going to help matters. In the end I typed out a response in seconds and sent it before my heart had time to process its true feelings.

  There’s nothing to sort out, Maddy. I love you, but you’re with Robert. It’s that simple. I’ll always be your friend, you know that.

  Even I was disappointed with myself and my seeming lack of effort.

  She replied within minutes.

  It’s not that simple and you know it! I love you too! I know some people don’t believe that you can love two people at the same time – but I’m starting to think you can! You can and it’s an awful feeling, because no matter what you decide to do about it you’re always going to hurt someone.

  And thanks for the short email. What about everything else I said?

  My fingers hastily ran away from me as I typed a response straight away, against my better judgement.

  Maddy, what do you want from me? You and Robert have shared five years together as a couple – we’ve had one night. Therefore you chose him. There’s nothing I can do to change those facts, all I can say is I get it. I understand. What more do you want? My blessing? If so, you have it. Being in love with two people? Perhaps you’re just saying it to flatter me. As it’s only been five days I hope you’ll be able to fall out of love as quickly as you fell in it. That should clear you of your woes.

  As for you being another notch on my bedpost – how many girls do you seriously think I’ve slept with? Do you honestly think I treat girls in that way? You know me better than anyone so I’ll try my best not to be offended.

  I got with Alice that night because I felt like it and because you didn’t give me any other option. Actions speak louder than words – yes, you’re right. They do. Which is why Robert and you being together on Saturday spoke volumes. Instead of kicking him out, he stayed there and you talked things through – leading to him calling me! You could’ve given me some warning. In many ways it was the catalyst for the rest of the night. If it appears that I’ve brushed away any feelings then it’s because someone handed me the broom. Not that I’m trying to lay blame on anyone else.

  My feelings for you haven’t altered, but my outlook on the situation has. We’re best friends. You and Robert are my rocks. I know everything will be fine. At some point everything will go back to the way it was and we’ll move past this. I don’t think meeting up to talk about any of it is going to help either of us. I’m a bit busy at the moment, so not really free to meet up anyway, but we’ll definitely do something soon.

  Ben x

  As soon as I’d sent that one I wished I hadn’t. I wanted to disconnect and make things easier for both of us, but instead I’d added coal to the fire and prodded it aggressively with a giant rod. I only ever had love for Maddy, but the situation made me hide that, made me show her an ugly side instead, one that I hated. I suppose the same must have been true for her. We became vicious and snappy – something we’d never been with each other before, even when we were young and thoughtless.

  Handed you the broom? Are you kidding me? You say there’s no one to blame, but that’s blatantly pointing the finger at me. How dare you. You’re the one who started all this. You felt a certain way and bottled it up inside for years. Why not keep it locked up? You were obviously good at keeping it a secret. Why put it out there so that I have to deal with it too? Why wait until I’m heartbroken and drunk? Or was that your plan all along? Have you been waiting all this time for Robert to slip up so that you could jump in and make yourself look like the hero?

  After looking at the screen for an hour, not knowing how to respond, I decided, instead of emailing back with further malice that I didn’t mean, to put my laptop away, pick up my phone, and call Alice. I’d been putting off doing so because my head and heart were still feeling fragile and bruised, but I came to the conclusion that what they actually needed was a bit of TLC.

  ‘Hello, you … Long time no speak,’ she giggled, as she answered.

  ‘Hey! Yes, I know. Appalling behaviour on my part.’

  ‘Don’t you know it’s rude to leave a girl hanging like that?’

  I couldn’t help but laugh. ‘I’m sorry, it’s been a manic week.’

  ‘I see … remind me, how long does it take to send a quick text these days?’

  I could tell she was still smiling, even if there was honesty in her disappointment.

  ‘I wanted to wait until I had time to call.’

  ‘Hmmm … I see.’

  ‘I was wondering if you fancied going out tonight? For dinner or something?’ I said as I got up from my bed and paced around the room.

  ‘Tonight? Are you really expecting me to drop all my important plans for you after you had sex with me and didn’t call for a week?’

  ‘Oh …’ I suddenly felt stupid for having asked.

  ‘Only joking,’ she cackled. ‘You’ll only be saving me from a night in my PJs eating chocolate. Pick me up at seven.’

  ‘Deal.’

  I knew I needed to get Maddy out of my head and, as Alice came with no complications, she was a welcome distraction. That’s what was appealing about her. That and the fact that she was ridiculously pretty and had a wicked personality to boot. If anyone was going to help me get over Maddy, I thought she would. Plus, let’s not forget, I cried after having sex with the girl. I felt she deserved a little more respect than me never calling her again. A nice chilled-out dinner – I owed her that much.

  When she answered the door at seven o’clock, we both stood there nervously, hesitant over how to greet one another. When I left her on the Sunday morning I’d kissed her goodbye – well, I had just slept with her, it would have been rude not to – but it would have seemed too forward to repeat the gesture then, when we were both totally sober and back to feeling like strangers again. So, instead, I stood there grinning at her.

  She looked ridiculously cute with her hair bundled up in a high bun on the top of her head, her petite frame wearing a pale blue denim dress and with cream Converse on her feet, patterned with a design of dainty pink flowers. I towered above her, a fact I liked.

  We didn’t hold hands as we walked the short distance to the restaurant. In fact, we hardly spoke. Alice wasn’t acting like the giggling girl I remembered her to be – instead she was suddenly demure and shy, with a
preoccupied expression plastered on her face, making her seem wary. It troubled me.

  For our date I’d picked a nice little Italian restaurant on the river – I’m ashamed to say it was a place I’d taken other girls previously. Antonio’s had a great view, felt like an authentic Italian (the owner had the thickest accent to accompany his rather thick and dark moustache), and the food was delicious – much better than anything I could have knocked together. But best of all, it was relatively cheap – I was, after all, paying for it out of my student loan, or what I had left of it. Needless to say, I was on a tight budget.

  As soon as we had sat down to dinner and ordered some wine, I decided to get to the root of what was going on with Alice.

  ‘Are you okay?’ I asked, taking the red cotton napkin from its fan-like position on the table and placing it over my lap.

  Her eyes widened in embarrassment as she looked up at me.

  ‘Yes!’ she said slowly, picking up her own napkin and unfolding it. ‘It’s just I’m aware that we’ve done all of this the wrong way round.’

  ‘Done what?’

  ‘This,’ she said, waving her hand manically between us both, the napkin flapping around in the air. ‘You’ve seen me naked before even finding out my second name.’

  ‘Oh, right,’ I smiled, heartened by the sweetness of it all. ‘So what is it, your second name?’

  ‘Turner,’ she said calmly, neatly placing the cloth over her thighs.

  ‘Alice Turner.’

  ‘And yours is Gilbert,’ she stated with a coy smile.